Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Super Power

I decided on the super power I want. I actually think I can get it. It is conscious control of my brain chemistry; specifically, the ability to produce endorphins at will. Basically, the ability to feel good at any time.

I'm not interested in the ability to produce other chemical states. Particularly negative ones.

Perhaps at some point, if the first super power solidifies, I might seek another. That would be something like clear thinking, focus and energy, such that I could work toward the common good, or toward creating some positive outcome for some individual.

If I do succeed in getting the first super power, I predict that within six months I will have lost most of my excess weight.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Just a quickie - the conservatives are right about it being harsh world because there is evil in men's hearts. They know their own hearts, and are being as honest as they can about that. And, they haven't really gotten to know people in whom the good outweighs the bad. The good side of their own hearts has no hope for a better existence, but the evil side does.
Another anxiety producing thought is, I can't remember something important. Usually it's not an appointment or an obligation, though I do forget those from time to time. No, it is an idea that I was following along in my mind, but got distracted from.

One hypothesis I give credence to is that when you forget something, you forget it because it is not important to remember at that time. That is a comforting thought - not sure of its always being true, though.
Ok, so here is a stub of an idea I've had lately. It is rather a contrast to my usual way of thinking, which is all about universal love and community. Those are the teachings of Christ, and the destination of the human spirit.

But one of the realities we live in the present is the concept of tribe, clan or nation, as a unit of self-defense. I will use the word tribe for short, just in this special sense for now.

You are born into, or you choose a tribe. A tribe is a form of community, in that it provides mutual support. But the fundamental requirement of tribal membership is loyalty. You must be loyal to the tribe, because loyalty is what holds the tribe together. There is no standard for judging the actions of the tribe or its leaders, except whether the tribe survives. Its own existence is its highest aim, and the sole reason for its own existence.

Monday, September 7, 2009

If I start down the road of "I need to be earning money," I try to comfort myself with something like, "I've never run out of money yet." Then I have to go through asking myself whether, if certain trends continue, I will break that trend. Then I actually have to accept that I might run out of money. And I have to think through the possibility that I will lose my house and any other assets I have, and actually have to deal with homelessness. If I did actually have to deal with homelessness, it would greatly increase the possibility that I might die sooner than later.

Actually, all of my anxiety-dealing gets around to dying.
It goes like this: I ask myself, what is on my mind? Often there is a feeling that instead of sitting or laying around meditating, I should be doing something productive - cleaning my house or trying to earn money. There are two ways to deal with the anxiety-producing thought. Either you suppress it (don't think it, think of something else), or tell yourself it is ok. The latter is hard to do convincingly.

If you don't convince yourself, the anxiety is still there. I often have to think through whole scenarios of what bad things might happen to me if I don't resolve the anxiety-producing problem. For me, there is no relief from the anxiety until I get to the thought that breathing and having thoughts are all I need to enjoy life.
What I've been doing mostly is silent self-psychotherapy. It is a practice that evolved from my meditation, which consists of being as aware as possible of all the thoughts that pass through my mind. In fact, I would have to say that it is the only way that I can honestly try to be aware of my thoughts. There are many thoughts that are painful and scary. It is natural for a person to block those thoughts one way or another.

So, to get to them, I am constantly asking myself, what am I anxious about? (When I am feeling anxious, which is much of the time.) Allowing yourself to be aware of anxieties bears with it the danger of increasing anxiety, or being too immersed in it. So, in order to allow myself to be aware of thoughts that cause me anxiety, I constantly comfort myself around the anxieties. In the next post, I'll try to give examples.